what would it look like if i finally trusted myself?

to focus on one thing instead of juggling multiple things

this week, life kicked my butt. everything felt harder and heavier. simple tasks like feeding my baby as she refuses to eat became annoying. i felt more short-tempered with everyone around me (mostly, my husband).

i want to blame pms or hormones but maybe it’s the fact i’m doing way too much with the very little time i have. i don’t make any progress with any of the things i do because, because well, i keep jumping from one task to another. i have 2 months worth of unedited content that i need to be posting on instagram.

i’m constantly looking for ideas to write for this newsletter, and this week, my impulsive self decided she wanted to become a travel ugc creator. as if i didn’t already have enough on my plate.

all these desires on top of being a full-time mom.

even though i’m working towards my dreams, i’m jumping from one project to another trying to make 3 very different dreams come true. one dream is becoming a content creator on instagram. the second dream is becoming a writer.

and the third dream is getting paid to travel. i try to justify my 'multipassionate' self’s voice, “well if i only work on one thing, i get bored. so i can’t drop any of these projects.”

but every few weeks, i question everything i’m doing and know deep down what i’m supposed to do, which is to focus on one thing, and then i’ll move on as if that conversation with myself didn’t happen.

yes, i'm stubborn like that.

today is that time where i question everything so i’m writing this essay to make sense of this self-sabotaging (?) behaviour. it’s a question mark because i don’t really know if i’m self-sabotaging.

i learned early on that i thrive on chaos. my job title is an emergency nurse. that means, i thrive on uncertainty, on taking care of 20 patients at once, and on the adrenaline rush that comes with solving different problems in a short period of time. it feels rewarding.

and now that i’m not working as a nurse, i try to recreate this feeling by adding different projects while being a full-time mom.

the question is, “why do i do this? why do i put myself in a situation where i spread myself too thin to the point that i don’t enjoy a lot of the things i’m doing?”

is it pride? is it ambition? what am i trying to prove? and to whom am i trying to prove?

after journalling for quite a bit, i came to the realization that it boils down to self-trust.

i feel like i don’t trust myself enough to make my dreams come true, which is why i try to create a plan B to Z.

in the early days of being a creator, i made a goal to make $10K, which i achieved by doing freelance writing. when i became a youtuber, i set a goal to get monetized, which i did. but as soon as i achieved these goals, i’d move on and create another goal for myself.

a lot of times i quit because it was out of alignment.

but lately, it has more to do with self-trust.

i ask myself, “what if i stop writing on substack and solely focus on making my dream of becoming a content creator come true?” i can’t seem to follow through because deep down, i don’t trust myself to make it work.

so i follow up with the question, “well what if i stop posting on instagram and solely focus on writing on substack?” it feels like i’m self-abandoning because i created this specific goal this year. and i follow up with the question, “well, what if it doesn’t work out?”

so i continue with this cycle over and over again.

and since this is an ongoing struggle, i don’t really have any solutions. but i thought i’d share what it would look like if i finally trusted myself.

so here goes.

if i trusted myself, it’d feel like a sigh in everything i do. there’s a relief in my day-to-day. i’d wake up calm and excited to work on that thing even though i don’t know where it’ll take me.

if i trusted myself, i’d focus on making my grass greener instead of checking out at my neighbor’s grass and how they got theirs to be so green. (a metaphor for scrolling at people’s highlights).

if i trusted myself, i wouldn’t have the urge to explain why i do what i do. i’d just do it and trust that the people who are meant to get it, will get it.

if i trusted myself, i wouldn’t care so much about showing up to perform and instead, i’d be sharing my thoughts more.

if i trusted myself, i’d feel fulfilled doing the thing without the validation of the metrics.

if i trusted myself, i’d focus on mastering the craft, instead of learning how others learned the craft.

if i trusted myself, i wouldn’t have to feel the need to be loud to compete for people’s attention.

if i trusted myself, i’d focus on the substance instead of the aesthetics, or at least use aesthetics to lure people into the depth of what i’m creating.

if i trusted myself, i wouldn’t have the inner franticness to keep doing more, to the point that even though i’m doing a lot, it feels like i’m not doing enough.

if i trusted myself, i’d move with flow instead of force. i wouldn’t need convincing of what would work because i’d know deep down that i can achieve success no matter what i choose.

it’s only a matter of self-trust.

i have yet to figure out how to develop this next level of self-trust if i’m being honest. i guess i just wanted to put it out there in case you’re struggling too. and if you have any advice, let me know. share the book, essay or piece of advice that helped you develop that level of self-trust.

if you enjoyed this piece, share it with a friend.

i appreciate you being here,

J 💛