maybe there's enough value in just showing up

mom life update and self-doubts as a creator

hey, you.

how are you?

so, last i wrote to you, i shared my 9-month reflection on pregnancy.

well, my baby has just turned 5 months old, and i’ve fully immersed myself in the world of motherhood.

i won’t bore you with the details, but in short, i love being a mom even though i wasn’t sure of having kids. i (thankfully) didn’t experience any complications during labour and things like post-partum depression and/or anxiety.

what i did experience was my usual “identity crisis” whenever my life turns upside down.

although i’m not really sure if it was an identity crisis because, honestly, i still want the same stuff i wanted before becoming a mom.

i still want to do something with my passions. i still want to write, make videos, and be in the creative world.

which is a relief because i really thought that becoming a mom would change all that. i thought that i’d just want to be a mom, and that’s it (which is something i was really scared of).

but i guess that’s what happens when you spend almost 5 years developing your sense of self with tons of introspection.

and because i have almost exactly the same wants (and now just with a baby), i have the same issues before becoming a mom when it comes to pursuing my dreams.

it’s funny because i really thought it would change. i thought somehow, i’d be more confident once i became a mom. that i’d have fewer self-doubts.

but i couldn’t be more wrong.

i’ve been trying to write a newsletter to send to you since march (it’s may now, by the way). i kept telling myself that my writing sucks, or that i don’t have anything to say yet.

or that i don’t have the same educational hat or vibes on as before.

since this is a part-diary, part-educational newsletter, it was really hard to show up because i felt like i didn’t have anything to share.

i didn’t really want to educate you on self-help stuff just because i wasn’t in the right place to do that.

anyways, basically i was confused and kept self-sabotaging myself by delaying publishing.

i was writing a lot but never publishing. I was scared of what people (you, mostly) might say.

when i first got into writing, i never experienced a writer’s block. i (almost) never felt scared to publish. mostly because i was a beginner and i could behind the excuse of “of course everything i publish sucks, i’m new at this.”

but now that it’s been a few years, it feels a little embarrassing to publish something that isn’t good.

hence, why i kept delaying publishing anything.

but after weeks of consuming and being envious of other people’s prolificacy, i realized that maybe i don’t need something “fancy” or super educational to come up with.

at least, not for now.

my cousin recently started a podcast called Almost Grown* about “nonsensical” things. in the pilot episode, he warned his viewers that it wouldn't be a self-help podcast. it wouldn’t be about anything specific or useful. he’ll show up, talk about whatever, not edit anything and publish.

at first, it sounds like a stupid idea, especially in the creator economy where you’re told that you have to talk about one specific topic and stick to a very strict schedule and format, etc.

but as i started listening to his “ramblings”, it didn’t feel nonsensical at all. his random stories about his life and his thoughts were relatable.

some of the stuff he said was sad, and some were funny. sure, some of the stuff didn’t make any sense (but we were told about that so we’re more forgiving).

but in the few episodes he’d published, he made me laugh, feel sad and question some things about my own life.

so even though he preemptively said that it wasn’t going to be a “traditional” podcast, it still had a lot of value as he could evoke different emotions from me.

i also remembered one of my favourite creators, Ron, who sends a newsletter about his life updates.

there’s nothing educational about it. it’s just him talking about his thoughts in real life as he explores the world. his newsletter is so casual that everything he writes is in small caps (which is a strategy i’m stealing like an artist ;)).

the point I’m trying to make is that we tend to overthink things. we will do anything and everything to delay the things we actually need to do. we will make excuses instead of showing up for our dreams.

mostly because we think that we need to do more.

but what if there’s more than enough value in just showing up.

in simply accepting where you are now and coming from that place.

that you don’t have to prove anything to anyone.

who you are right now is more than enough.

and that your opinion of yourself is the only thing truly holding you back.

maybe just simply showing up is a success in and of itself.

so here I am, writing this newsletter at a coffee shop and immediately publishing it so that I can stop getting in my own way.

let me know if this is something you’re also struggling with.

until next time,

J ✨

*the Almost Grown podcast is mostly in Tagalog.