i feel like i'm failing as a mom

is there such a thing as balance?

Last week, I wrote about my agony in posting a story on my Instagram story while baking a banana bread.

I shared that I could not live a life where I share absolutely everything.

This week, I noticed myself thinking a lot about strategy as a content creator. I’m so consumed in this world that I feel like I’m failing as a mom.

Before Ella (my baby’s name if you’re new here), I loved that I could work on my side hustle whenever I had free time. On my break as a nurse, I’d go to the library or the cafeteria and start writing on my iPad. I’d have a lesson on visual storytelling playing in the background while I got ready for work.

Whenever I went on a nature walk, I’d listen to mindset podcasts so I don’t give up on my dreams.

But now that I’m a mom, I feel guilty about doing these things. Instead of spending time on things I’m passionate about, I feel like I need to be ‘mothering.’

For instance, I try to walk with my baby during her last 30-minute nap of the day almost every day. I get excited by this time because during this walk, I can shut off my brain and listen to a podcast on manifestation.

But this also means that I’m not listening to a parenting audiobook that will help me raise a securely attached kid*.

Whenever I choose to consume something for myself, it means I’m not doing enough research or learning something that could improve Ella's life.

And honestly, it’s not a good feeling.

So these days, I wonder, can you really balance motherhood while pursuing your dreams?

I honestly don’t know.

I went into the motherhood life thinking, “Oh, I’m not going to be one of those moms that forgets her passions and dreams and go all-in on becoming a mom.”

As if there’s something wrong with that.

But also, silly old me.

Now that I’m in this stage of my life, I realized that I love being a mom. I think it’s the best ‘job’ I’ve ever had. I now completely understand why people give up their careers for this role.

And I guess it’s because of this intense feeling about motherhood that I feel so much guilt whenever I try to do anything outside of it.

So, how do we fix this, or at least come to terms with it? Because as much as I love my baby, I don’t want to give up the side of me that cares about other things.

1. Accept this season of life

I realize that I’m in a season of life where being a mom is my priority.

On my Google calendar, I literally have “Ella” as my #1 priority, and this is where I schedule things related to her, like “research baby food, activities & safe playmats.”

Honestly, I haven’t been very good at scheduling things related to my baby (hence why I feel like I’m failing) because I’ve been so caught up in my creator problems.

A big part of me wants to succeed right now, but I realize it comes with a cost. I don’t think I’m willing to pay for that cost.

2. Your old self is gone

Lately, I’ve been wanting to get myself to commit to writing daily.

I told myself, I’ve done it so many times, why could I not do that now? And I realize that my life has drastically changed. I don’t have a fixed schedule and am juggling many more things.

In my mid-20s, I could afford to write daily on top of being healthy, being a wife, making YouTube videos, and travelling. But these days, writing in peace is a luxury. I’m writing this in a coffee shop while my husband takes care of Ella at home.

It’s hard to accept that I’m no longer the same 25-year-old who had the luxury of doing everything she wanted. Now, I have to carefully choose what I spend my time on.

And somewhat accept that.

3. Dim the switch

My progress is slow in all areas of my life.

I’m on maternity leave until 2026, so our finances are taking a hit. I take care of Ella full-time, which means that I can’t go to the gym as often as I want to.

I go to Pilates once a week since my husband works from home. I’m 3 months behind on Instagram content because I don’t always have the time and energy to edit. I completely stopped posting on YouTube. We haven’t traveled in 8 months, and even though I miss it, I have no brain capacity to plan.

So yeah, the progress is slow.

The author Sahil Bloom talks about the idea of ‘Dimmer Switch Mentality’ in a newsletter where he says, “Each area of your life exists on a dimmer switch. If you want to focus on building one area, you turn that switch up, but rather than turning off the others, you just turn them down low.”

If you completely turn off that one area of your life, it becomes tough to get back to it.

Right now, I’m terrified of making YouTube videos because it’s been so long since I’ve done it. But the way I’ve ‘dimmed the switch’ is by creating talking head videos on Instagram (similar to YouTube).

When I’m ready to do YouTube again, I hope it won’t be as scary and hard as when I first started.

Final Thoughts

Feeling like a ‘failure’ as a mom is inevitable when you also want to work on your dreams and passions or advance your career.

I want to feel like I’m doing my best as a mom to Ella.

And for that to happen, I have to accept that other areas of my life will suffer in the short term. If you’re in a similar situation where you’re beating yourself up because your progress is slow, I hope you take a minute to reflect on this season of your life.

Maybe what you need is to accept that this is exactly where you need to be. Maybe it's okay that things are slow.

As long as you’re doing your best, isn't the cost worth it?

P.S. I’d love to know if you enjoyed reading this motherhood essay. Give this newsletter a like if you’d like to read more of these pieces. Thank you.

Thank you for reading,

J 💜

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