a 9-month reflection on my pregnancy

what it feels like...from someone who didn't want to become pregnant

Hi friends, 

As my title says, I’m sharing a rather big personal life update. 

If you follow me on my other socials — like Instagram & YouTube...this is probably old news to you. 

While Instagram & YouTube are amazing platforms, there’s no better place to do my reflection, and I really wanted to capture my emotions in writing while I’m still pregnant.

This newsletter is all about that — a reflection on my 9 months of pregnancy (I have officially 17 days until I give birth) — especially from someone who didn’t want kids for a very long time. 

Here’s what my 9 months has looked like: 

my mental health suffered. 

In the first trimester, I truly didn’t know if I could go through with it. The day before we found out, I had a panic attack about the thought of having kids.

I didn’t think I was ready, and frankly, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to have kids now because I still feel like I’m not successful in my career yet.

I’m only in my 20s and wasn’t sure if I was sacrificing my life too early.

Luckily, my husband calmed me down. I also remembered that whenever we hung out with our families’ babies, we’d get sad about letting them go. 

But as soon as week 5 hit, I felt sick all the time.

I felt nauseous & fatigued. Home remedies didn’t help. Things only got better once I started listening to my body (i.e. resting) and taking some prescribed pills to control the nausea. 

This was probably the lowest I’ve ever been. I couldn’t do any of the work that I used to do — nursing, content creation, being me — and this took a major toll on me. 

Without these, I had a mini-identity crisis. 

I thought I’d get depressed and was ready to get some help, but things slowly started to get better.

what do I want out of friendships? 

this pregnancy taught me what friendship truly means to me. 

I have a lot of friends, but I don’t have too many close friends. As an adult, maintaining friends is so much harder. People are busy with their lives, and communication is a 2-way street. 

You can’t complain that your friends don’t reach out if you don’t actively reach out. 

So, this pregnancy really forced me to be more proactive in hanging out with other people if I want them to be involved in my child’s life. 

After all, I don’t think you should be isolating yourself just because your friends didn’t check up on you (when you also didn’t bother checking up on them.)

I see myself differently, and therefore I feel different.

After going through the physical, mental, and emotional challenges that come with pregnancy, I see myself quite differently. 

I see myself stronger and more confident. It feels like I can tackle anything in the world.

I don’t mean to sound narcissistic, but every time I feel fear about something I’m about to do (for example, talking to a camera and posting it online), I’d be like… “you’re growing a human being, this is nothing.” 

I feel so much more confident doing the things I want to do. 

I feel like this pregnancy pushed me to my limits, and because I was able to overcome it (until now), I have a greater sense of self-trust, self-respect, and self-confidence. 

known costs, unknown benefits. 

Before becoming pregnant, I didn’t think I’d enjoy being pregnant. I was right. 

Well, for the most part.

I didn’t enjoy the nausea/vomiting, the emotional roller coasters, and the constant discomfort in different parts of my body every single day. 

But I knew this before going on this journey. 

What I didn’t know was how fulfilling & rewarding it was going to be. Even though, yes, I had a semi-“bad” pregnancy, I still feel like the whole experience is worth it. 

It’s worth it because whenever I feel the baby moves in my belly, I get reminded that I did this — or me and my husband created this. She’s not even here yet, and she’s already bringing so much joy in our lives.

Oh yeah, I’m having a girl. 

I can’t express the feeling, but a pregnancy's “unknown benefits” of pregnancy definitely outweigh the cost. 

I assume that this is a foreshadowing of the life after pregnancy. 

Everyone says how hard it is to have a newborn or raise a child, but we don’t know or understand the benefits or how fulfilling it is until you do it. 

If you’re on the fence about having a child, I hope you embrace the journey with an open mind and heart. 

You might end up liking more than you think. At least, that’s what happened to me. 

If you’re still here, thank you for reading this personal essay; it means a lot. 

And if you have kids, let me know what the most rewarding thing about having one?